30-year-old man loses job, expects employed wife to pay him for doing housework: 'It makes a lot of sense for her to chip in more during this period'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Dec 18, 2024 4:00 PM EST

Above all else, marriage is a partnership, but every couple defines that slightly differently. If the traditional vows are anything to go by, you are supposed to stand by your spouse for richer and poorer but nonetheless, money becomes a contentious topic in many marriages despite the fact most people have those times in their life when they aren't as well off.

This is something that one man has been struggling with in the past few months after being laid off and relying on unemployment until he gets a new job in another couple of months. When they were both employed, he and his wife apparently earned a similar salary and split chores equally, but while he is jobless he agreed to do more housework in return for her paying him some of his salary as 'fun money'. She wasn't happy with this, and the predicament split the opinion of the internet.

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    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for asking my wife to 'pay me' for doing housework?
    via shtfrtblade
  • 03
    My (30m) Wife (29F) and I always roughly made the same amount of money. So we contributed the same financially and split the housework evenly. This always worked well for us. Recently I lost my job. I'm getting my countries version of an unemployment check, which is around 60% of my regular pay. I can still pay my share of the household and all bills etc, but that leaves pretty much zero spending money. Things are looking well jobwise, but in the end this will probably still mean ~4 months witho
    via shtfrtblade
  • 04
    Now to the argument. My wife suggested I could a lot more around the house now that I'm out of a job. And I agreed. I wont be sitting around all day doing nothing, but I'll still have way more free time than I had or she has. I did however suggest that she pitched in a larger % to the household finances than her normal 50%. That way I could at least have some spending money the coming months. She disagrees and we had a (somewhat civil) argument about it. We couldnt see eye to eye. The way she se
    via shtfrtblade
  • 05
    The way I see it. Yes, it makes a lot of sense for me to do more housework in this period. But it also makes a lot of sense for her to chip in more during this period. I think its unfair that she expects me to spend my extra time on housework, but she wont support me extra financially. Financially this isnt a problem for her. We talked about this a long while and we can't seem to come to an agreement. So I'm looking for an outside view. Am I the a hole for my point of view here? My wife is aware
    via shtfrtblade
  • 06
    Big_Alternative_3233 NTA. When one partner is unemployed, it is natural for the other partner to temporarily take on a larger portion of the expenses. And it is also true that the unemployed partner with more free time takes on a larger share of the household chores. She is trying to take advantage of you.
    via Big_Alternative_3233
  • 07
    sh tf rtblade OP Thank you for your point of view, I agree. However personally I dont think there is any malice on my wifes part! She's an angel, we just dont disagree on this one point.
    via shtfrtblade
  • 08
    readthethings13579 Ask her to sit down and go over the budget with you. Her salary plus your unemployment payments make up your total household income. Show her what percentage of that total is coming from your unemployment checks and ask if, at least temporarily, you can rebalance the household income for a little while until you're back into a full time job with a full salary.
    via readthethings13579
  • 09
    sh tf rtblade OP ⚫ 20h ago • I think thats a very good idea. That away a bit of the emotion from the discussion and make a factual calculation. I'll get on that!
    via shtfrtblade
  • 10
    nefarious_planet I think NTA, as long as there's no precedent in your marriage of your wife doing more than 50% of the housework without being "paid" and also no precedent of you covering household expenses 50/50 during a time when you were the one making more money. If there's any chance either of those things has happened before, even (especially) if you didn't realize it or think about it before now, then what you're asking is unfair and my judgement will change.
    via nefariousplanet
  • 11
    Allyka88 One of the things to consider here is if OP's wife has done the majority of the mental load too. Like planning the meals, and getting groceries for them, making sure that stuff is actually done. Just as an example, part of my mental load was literally putting the garbage can where my partner would walk into it in the mornings, on garbage days. So that he would take it to the curb on the right days. I had two kids to get out of the house, one of whom was an infant, and often the garbage
    via Allyka88
  • 12
    shitfartblade OP We always made roughly the same amount. And we both agree that we view the housework we do as equal.
    via shtfrtblade
  • 13
    Hedonist1971 I don't get these types of arguments. You're married. You're in it together. Quite normal for the stronger to help the weaker. In this scenario: you are the stay at home hubby making a lot less money, so the other should step up and take care of a bigger chunk of the bills. That should go without saying. The moment you get a job again then realign the contributions towards the cost of living.
    via Hedonist1971
  • 14
    Plasteroff This might be a decent take if OP hadn't said in a comment that if (when he goes back to work) he's earning a lot more, he thinks they should still do 50/50 - why should she cover him when he's not working and living off the state if he won't cover her when she is working but earning less? Feels like a "what's mine is mine but what's yours is mine too". Edit: OP has now edited this comment. He's added an "edit" at the bottom to make it look like that's the only thing he changed but, i
    via Plasteroff
  • 15
    Hedonist1971 That's where the mathematics kick in. Since OP didn't disclose the numbers each makes, I'm assuming they do fairly well together, but neither of them in the six figures annually. The cost of living remains the same in total. Let's assume for argument's sake that both make 60K each per year. OP would have about 36K after losing his job. Splitting the bills 50/50 would likely result in OP spending about 90% of his income after taxes on bills and will lead to much a bigger disparity in
    via Hedonist1971
  • 16
    Plasteroff Not to mention, we'd need to know the taxes being paid and the costs of working. I earn a lot more than my husband but after taxes and commuting and student loans (in my country, you pay your student loan back as a percentage of your income so if you're out of work or not earning much then you don't pay it back until you're earning more) I'm left with less. So, my gross salary is £5000 per month but I only take home £2750 and I spent £520 on commuting. If I quit and got unemployment b
    via Plasteroff
  • 17
    Money System 1026 This is giving me a headache. Sounds like they need to create a spreadsheet of income and household chores and work out a way to balance things out. If they have a child I don't want to know how they'll figure out maternity/paternity leave...
    via Money_System1026
  • 18
    TheGoodJeans This may be a hot take...but... ESH Marriage is a partnership, not a business arrangement. First off, you live there too. Doing housework in your own home is never something you are entitled to money for as an adult. Expecting compensation for something you should already be doing as a competent adult is entitled on your part. Period. Second, if she is your partner, she should want to help in the first place. She is being petty and inflexible and putting financial equality over equi
    via TheGoodJeans
  • 19
    Federal_Dust Kinda crazy that I had to scroll this far to read a sensible take.
    via Federal__Dust
  • 20
    glitchingCats Exactly, they are treating their life as a couple like some sort of financial transaction. They'll soon be arranging how much interest he'll have to pay once he gets a new job.
    via glitchingCats
  • 21
    whosaidwhat123 I agree. The housework issue and the spending money issue are two different things in my mind. It's his house, he's there with time on his hands, he should just do some more chores. It would still be way less time commitment than a full time job is. OP being bummed that he can only afford his essentials is understandable. It would be nice for his partner to give him some money to treat himself, but within reason. You are unemployed, after all, you should expect to cut back on disc
    via whosaidwhat123
  • 22
    Salamanderonthefarm I don't understand these transactional marriages. If you want a roommate, get a roommate. If you want a maid, get a maid. If you want a life partner then pony the f for a few months if they are unemployed so they don't have to live off noodles. If you want a life partner then clean the house so they can rest when they get home from work. Sheesh.
    via Salamanderonthefarm
  • 23
    Until--Dawn33 YTA and I spit my coffee out from being unable to hold in my laughter by reading this. Your reasoning is immature as to why you want to get paid to clean up after yourself and do some extra work since you would literally be doing NOTHING otherwise. Is she your mother? Are you a teenager looking for an allowance? Or are you a fully grown adult married into a partnership where you help each other as needed and as best you could, which does not include getting paid for chores like a c
    via Until--Dawn33
  • 24
    Distinct_Yard4288 When income drops, unfortunately so should "fun money". If your wife isn't doing things for herself either financially because of finances, IMO, neither should you. I'm a SAHM, and I contribute to finances with all the money I get (baby bonus, etc), and I have no fun money. I also do 80-90% of the housework during the week, as I'm home and my husband is not. That being said, we share our money, there is not splitting it. We pay the necessary things first (bills, children, etc)
    via Distinct_Yard4288
  • 25
    shitfartblade OP I'm fine with fun money dropping, even by a lot. But 4 months with zero fun money, in a household that has plenty of money where I do 80% of housework seems a bit off to me.
    via shtfrtblade
  • 26
    Plasteroff How much is 80% of the housework though? For two adults, that's about 10 hours of work. You're getting 60% of your pay for about 10 hours of work and don't think that's a good enough deal? If you're asking for her to cover 20% more of the bills (as you said upthread) then you're asking her to lose a lot more than you are in this arrangement.
    via Plasteroff
  • 27
    Tizo30 This guy wants the winning hand, not a partnership.
    via Tizo30
  • 28
    Consistent_Waltz_646 No money should be considered fun money when unemployed. It s ks, but it should be saved in case you can't find employment before the benefit runs out. 4 months of unemployment is rough on all involved.
    via Consistent_Waltz_646

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aita marriage job housework wife relationships husband chores reddit thread Reddit unemployed employment
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